Nonsensical Rambling

Month One: I’ve been here before.

Feb. 2, 2012. Month one.

It may not seem like a huge accomplishment. In fact, it really doesn’t. I’ve been here before. I’ve counted the hours, days, weeks, months before only to fail again. That’s just it though: I’ve been here before. I know what it felt like before and how I feel today IS NOT how it’s felt before. I’ve been here before, but never have I gotten here and felt so strong through it. Never have I gotten here and been able to TRULY delight in my weakness- to TRULY accept and boast in the strength that comes in my flaws.

There are days that come and go that I don’t think I will make it through. There are little reminders that come randomly in the middle of the day that have the potential to break me to pieces if I allow it. There are days I wake up and don’t think I’ll be able to take a step because of how much pain I’ve allowed to corrode and pile up. There’s times when I sit and think that there is no way in the world that I’m going to take the next step or accomplish what I’m ultimately focused on accomplishing. That’s just it though, those days COME AND GO. They will not stay. I will get through those days because I’m promised that I will be able to by a God who loves me more than I could imagine.

The ultimate accomplishment I wish to achieve seems so far away because there is no end to what I want. That’s okay though, because I know that with the constant support I have been given it’s only going up from here and I’m excited to see where it goes. It amazes me the ways that I have been shown love and support in every day life. I’m reminded daily just how much love there truly is to offer. Moments will come when I wish I could rewind, but that’s part of getting through this. I’ve thought on a day to day basis that I wish I could go back, but in reality I know that this is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve come to listen to the voice that tells me to “Be still” and be calmed by it. I’ve come to see the colors that brighten the world even when it’s most dark. It’s a great feeling. I recognize that not every day will be great, but even on those harder days, I’m getting through. I’m pushing to do this, and I encourage others to see the hope that there is in pain.

I think I’ve failed so often in trying to make a change in my life because of the fact that I held to it desperately. I told myself that if I were to fail it would be the end of me. If I were to be defeated by everything I held, then that was it. I lost. I’d be a failure forever and I’d never make it past anything. Despite the efforts of those who care for me in telling me that what I was telling myself was not truth, I believed every single time that I told myself I was a failure or I doubted where the Lord could take me. I’m seeing now, though, that I can be taken far if I just allow it. If I fail, it will not in fact be the end of the world. I think understanding that is another huge step for me. I’ve been to this point before, the point of celebrating a month, and this was not a realization I had then. Then my state of mind was thinking “It’s only a matter of time until I screw up.” or “Ok, a month, but when will I mess it up THIS time?” I’ve realized that’s not the state of mind for me to be thinking.

Maybe this is how I know that this time the change is for real. Maybe that’s how I know that this time I will make it through. Afterall, that’s what I’ve dedicated 2012 to being about, right? 2012 isn’t about “Getting over it”. Sometimes, there’s things in life that you just don’t “get over”. It’s about being healthier and learning to GET PAST them. Work through them.

Here’s to month one!! :)

You mean I made it through January ALIVE?

Up until recently (the second of January), I kept all of my most precious thoughts and memories about certain events tucked away on the notes app in my iPhone. When you restore a phone to factory settings, however, nothing is saved. I’m honestly glad that they’re gone. I’m glad that I can’t read over them and relive the pain, hatred, self-pity, and anger like I once had. Doing that only caused me to experience the same feelings. Without them there, I can now dig deeper into these emotions to actually deal with them as opposed to letting them manifest. This month has begun my year journey of that and boy let me tell you that so far, I have learned a lot. These past 30 days have been up and down but I’ve lived through them. I know there’s 31 days in January, but if you would have asked me on the 1^st if I’d even be strong enough to complete such a task of overcoming, I would have laughed in your face. Since deciding to change my life for the better on the second, these are some things I’ve learned:

Sometimes things get brought to my attention and I start to write about them only to change my mind. That’s how a lot of this month has been for me. It’s been an up and down of emotions. I’ve found myself somewhere between holding on with a death grip and wanting to let go. Needing to let go. Knowing that I MUST let go. Not in a bad way, I believe letting go is part of healing and to fully heal letting go is what I need to do.

This month, I think over everything I have learned that there are always good days and there are always bad days. That’s just how it goes. What matters is how you choose to let those days affect your life. What matters is if you wake up in the morning letting your demons beat you. That’s where you’re tested. Life has struggle, but it also has beauty. I’ve learn to be thankful even on the ugly days. I’ve learned to see the light past the nasty clouds and I think that’s something that’s awesome.

I think in learning that bad days are inevitable, I have also learned a lot about control. Self-control. Sometimes you’re going to have those bad dreams that bring back times in the past that you wish you would never relive. In dreams, our minds take memories or hopes and times them by a million to make them seem more real to us. Sometimes they can be grand, but if you’re like me- other times they can be some of the most painful things in the world. These dreams (really, I should be calling them nightmares) can leave you gasping for air when you wake up with your face soaked with tears. These dreams will make you refuse to want to get out of bed and make the day better. These dreams will make you want to give in to your demons so easily. These demons fight HARD to get in when they know you are vulnerable and that’s where self-control comes in. Sure, you can lay in bed and let the day tell you that you’re no good. You can let life beat you over the head all day long, but just remember that that beating goes into the next day, and the next day until, before you know it, your entire year becomes a wreck.

That’s how my past years have been. Deciding I was going to make life better and then one thing going wrong and allowing that to snowball. That’s how I’ve gotten into this mess. That’s exactly what I don’t want 2012 to become for me. Like I’ve said, this year is about facing myself. My flaws, my talents, my story, and things that I would think make me absolutely crazy. 2012 is about dealing with these things and allowing healing into my life. Allowing myself to let go and move on. I’ve survived 30 days of this (I’m one day off, yes I know but that’s because the 1^st of January I wasn’t so strong) and I plan that by the end of December I will have completed 364 days of being new. 364 days of taking all the ugly of life and saying “You know what? I am redeemed. I am loved. I am flawed, but that’s ok. I will be better. I will get better. Life is a blessing and I’m going to treat it as such!” Because those are the truths in my life. The hate and ugly isn’t. The love is.

My goal is to be able to say the things my grandfather told my cousins and I growing up (and he still does on a regular basis whenever you ask how his day is): “Every day that the Lord allows me to wake up, put both my feet on the floor, and stand is a good day.”

 We could all learn to enjoy life- even on the ugly days.

Nobody knows the trouble we’ve seen

January 19, 2012
   (Yesterday)

Today I’ve learned that the year I’m trying so desperately to get away from (2011) is the year that my mind seems to be stuck in. Not only do memories come back twice as strong during bad days, seemingly repetetive 2011 days, but I write “2011” on important papers and end up having to scratch out.

I’ve learned that I’m a hell of a lot weaker than I think I am. When I am reminded of my weaknesses I always pull back to 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.” Everytime I go back to that, I learn new perspectives on that verse. Isn’t it funny how a verse can mean something to you one day and then something almost totally different the next? That’s for a different blog post though. I learned that I pretend to be strong. I put a smile on to simply “bear” my pain rather than work through it. I mask it— then it comes back stronger. But not in 2012. This is MY year.

Most importantly, I’ve learned that hard days are relevant to who a person becomes and very REAL. I stand between two friends… two friends who have only met each other today, but are alike to me in so many ways. Two friends that are here for the same purpose, to honor another friend’s death at a candle vigil. Two friends that have experienced something with me that I don’t want anyone to experience, but on two separate ocassions. These two friends are Katie and Braxton. We hold hands, candles, and hug. We listen to people talk, we listen to bible verses, we pray- for Katie and I (and others) this isn’t the first time. For me, it isn’t the second either. The three of us remain silent and I avoid to make eye contact with anyone else. Or rather, I think part of me refuses to make eye contact with anyone else.
A feeling I’ve felt only one other time while standing next to Katie. This time it isn’t Katie, though, that’s feeling it with me- she is feeling the empathy of the moment- it’s Braxton. I can’t describe in words how I felt at that moment. Maybe like the world was crashing around me. Maybe like everyone would take a milisecond to glance at the two of us and wonder what we were thinking, wonder why us, why him… But nobody knows the trouble we have seen. Nobody knows the exact way we feel… nobody.. and I’m going to say that I don’t even know exactly what I was feeilng.

Walking away from all the sadness for a minute- Braxton decided to go down the way. There were too many people crying, laughing, praying, just a bunch of mixed emotions. I grabbed Katies arm and followed. For a minute, no one said anything until Katie spoke up. The next words that came out of her mouth hit me.

“God has plans for us. I don’t know you, Braxton, and I don’t know your faith, but know that He does. I need to change my life, and I’m reminded of that sometimes. There’s a reason we’re standing here tonight because God doesn’t make mistakes.”

God doesn’t make mistakes…God has plans for us.
God, I understand that You have a plan for me. I get that I’m here for a reason and I know that I need to make big changes to accept and fufill whatever it is I need to in Your name… for Your glory. The only thing I ask is You make it less painful.

^
That is about what I prayed the minute Katie said what she said. I don’t remember word for word, but it was something to that effect.

You see there’s two people- aside from Jesus- who have ever “taken my place” so to speak. And there’s two different people that I know of for sure who wonder, just as I’m sure the rest of everyone were wondering last night- “why me? - why him? - what’s Your plan?” I can’t speak for those two people, but for me it’s a feeling of guilt. It’s not a feeling from God.

What it comes down to is, nobody knows the way somebody else feels about any given situation. One struggle is no more or no less than a different struggle. What is it going to take for you to realize that? Hopefully, it doesn’t take a tragedy.

It’s been a rough 3 days (since Tuesday night), and some of you may or may not know the exact feeling of that, but I’ve learned through all of this that I dont’ have to “grin and bear it”. There is community, there is people who have even seen the hell with me and are right by my side. There’s love, strength and life. There’s a promise for a future. There’s hope. Embrace it.



We will miss you, Lucas.

Beeville’s very own A.C. Jones High School and Mr. Jones

There are a lot of people in Beeville that complain about being here. They “hate” Beeville, they “hate” the high school and they can’t wait to graduate to get away from this town “for good”.

If you’re from Beeville and you happen to be reading this right now, PLEASE take a moment to feel extremely blessed to be living here.
Yes, Beeville does have a lot of bad qualities that we tend to complain about on a regular basis. There’s never anything to do in this small town and there always seems to be someone else hating another person. There’s too much drama and not enough friendlisness, but I think the people in this town have shown that when it comes down to it, we can come together. About two years ago we lost two very special boys (Rest easy Reagan Hardy & Mariano Virata— I hope you two are having an incredible time with Jesus. You boys havent failed at being more than amazing guardian angels!) and never in my life have I seen a town come together like that. That was my first taste of our town truly coming together and being there for each other in a HUGE way. For a town that “hates each other” so much, we all pulled together to pull through such a hard time that year and I’m sure that it’s something none of us will soon forget.

I will never understand why bad things happen to good people, ever. Period cut and dry. Some of the best people in this world get the shortest ends of the stick- the “bad hand in the card game” if you will. All throughout high school (and even years before I was in high school) there was a very special government teacher who never let anyone walk past his room without a warm smile from him (unless, of course, you were in the hall without a right to be there and up to no good… then he pulled his old Secret Service skills and snuck out of his door to tell you to get to class). One of the kindest men you will ever meet- Mr. Scott Jones. He never lets anyone feel “less than” and he always greets girls by saying “Hello pretty girl”. Not only that, but he is just such an inspirational man and has touched so many hearts of students and faculty (if I’m allowed to speak for more than just myself on this).

Within this past year he (and the town) has learned that he has cancer. Sometimes, people get cancer and turn mean. They expect death and really don’t want to be nice anymore. But not Mr. Jones. He’s as cheerful as ever and continues to be such an inspiration to people around him. So much that he had his first treatment and (as anyone would be) is worried about losing his hair.

So many students (boy.. and one girl that I know of) decided to shave their heads in honor of him. That took place tonight and the turn out was HUGE. Even greater than that, though, was the smile on Mr.Jones’ face (he also shaved his head tonight). I wasn’t there, but I have seen pictures of the happiness this man had tonight. I can’t tell you how many boys shaved their heads, but I do know that there was a ton. A whole lot of them came together for this cause.

It truly amazes me how this town and these people come together in times like this. So think about that next time you want to say how much you hate this town. When it comes down to it- Beevillians are extremely loving. I can’t tell you how incredibly proud I am of this town, the high school, and the students of A.C. Jones High School who shaved their heads for Mr. Jones.

Keep praying for him as he fights this battle!! We all love you Mr. Jones!

Leaving you with a quote Mr. Jones said: “For every good thing you do in the world, it comes back a thousand times.”

A certain melt down for a 3 year old.

If you didn’t already know: my nephew, Jayden, lives with my parents. Long story, don’t ask. Anyway, for Christmas his mother got him a puppy named Fred. My nephew is the type of kid that absolutely loves anything “outdoors” ESPECIALLY if they are animals. This puppy stays at his mom’s house though (we already have two dogs on our ranch and don’t really want another).

Fred had been sick. Parvo? Cancer? No, no. “What was he sick with?” you ask? A permanent erection. Yes, it’s true. Ok, get your laughter out now because the story is about to get sad.

This weekend is my nephew’s weekend to spend at his mom’s house. All week he’s been saying “I get to see momma, (insert his mom’s boyfriend’s name here), and my puppy!” Earlier this week my dad read on facebook that Fred passed away. Jayden (and apparently my mother) hadn’t known this yet. My dad mentions it and my mom says: “Honey, Fred died.” When my dad said “Lori, let his mom tell him that!” Jayden gave my mom a confused look. “Fred is dead, baby, he’s gone.”

The next thing that happened? Jayden balled both his hands and put them to his eyes ready to fall out and have a massive melt down. That poor kid’s heart was broken.

AUNT NANA TO THE RESCUE!! I swooped him up, sat in the lazy boy chair, rocked him and then offered a game of cars which then turned into us parading around the house with his snare drum and guitar.





Moral of the story: DO NOT TELL A 3 YEAR OLD THAT HIS BRAND NEW PUPPY DIED!!!!

And Aunts are simply the best.

Late nights. 2012. What’s new? Lots of things.

How does it always happen like this?

I should be asleep, you’re right. I have a busy day tomorrow that I’ll probably make lots of people bad because due to lack of sleep I will be grumpy. However, sleep won’t find me and instead of trying to find it, I am sitting indian style on my floor typing on a laptop I have had no desire to be on in a week typing up my life.

2007-2011, thank you for having been the shittiest years of my life. I mean that in the best way possible.. (NOT!!!….but really). These five years has taught me a lot more about myself than I ever thought could be possible. It has taught me about life, love, relationships (not with boys… I mean friendships in general), and letting go. It has taught me that I am flawed… extremely flawed. It has taught me how broken, messed up, marred, imperfect, and literally just how f***ed I truly am. There are things I wish would have never happened. Things I wish I could change and pains I wish weren’t even possible to feel, but I’ve felt them.

But it’s time to let go. If I’ve learned anything about the past 5 years it’s: pain is very real in every day life. I’ve learned that yes, some people have it worse off… but knowing that doesn’t change that you have what you have. Yet somehow, having what you have… all the muck as well.. is somewhat of a blessing. There’s people I’ve made angry. There’s people who have made me angry. There’s people who have down right hurt me. People I will never speak to again. People I have no desire to see again. People that I want more than anything just one last hug from. But like I said, it’s time to let go. It’s time to let these past 5 insanely crappy years just shape who I am.

I can’t let it beat me any longer.

I’ve learned that God is more than I’ve allowed Him to be in my life and there’s still so much more He could do for me if I just allowed Him. I’ve learned that people will fail me and that’s ok because I will fail people as well. I’ve learned that people are going to care- especially when I don’t want them to- and I’m just going to have to accept it. I’ve learned that though I’m incredibly marred and imperfect, it’s who I am. It’s something I need to grow from and learn from.

Have I ever mentioned I have amazing friends? Because I do. And I’m sorry that for the past 5 years I have sucked. I’ve been a mess.

Though 2007-2010 were terrible years, not once did I ever actually start to deal with any of the problems. I’ve ran from each and every one of them. That’s exactly how 2011 started out as well. You see, I have this problem where sometimes I think running from my problems is the answer. As if- if I tried hard enough every mistake will just disappear, but that’s not dealing with it. That’s not letting it go. Then mid 2011 came when everything I’ve ever surpressed started to kill me from the inside out. I cried… a lot. What? I….CRIED? Yeah. Oddly enough… something I’ve never been used to doing- showing others my weaknesses- happened in the most awkward ways and timings. But boy am I greatful that the people that it happened in front of also just so happened to be some of the biggest blessings of my life. (P.S. I’m sorry that I’ve pushed each and every one of you away).

2012 is going to be a year of letting go. A year of all this not attacking me like it has, did, and still sometimes does. . I need to start fresh somehow. And this crazy mind of mine has decided it begins with wiping away things. If you were ever a contact in my phone: I’m sorry, but you aren’t anymore. So if you’d wish for me to keep your number… text me your name… or make my phone ring. I needed real changes in my life and that’s the only way I could have began doing so.

To everyone I’ve pissed off or hurt: I’m sorry. Really, truly, incredibly, deeply sorry.

Hey 2012, let’s get this change and happiness rolling :)